I have been brooding over writing this topic for awhile now.
This is something sensitive no one would want to talk about, and most choose to keep it deep within. It had taken me years and years and years to get to this point to say – I am ready to step forward and share my story.
I Was A Victim of Depression
I was diagnosed with depression about 8 years ago, in 2009.
There were many components – but mainly one – as to why I fell into such deep tenebrosity. And as if depression is not enough for me to take, anxiety disorders have creeped on in as well.
I have gone through darkness that was way too overwhelming. There were people who care, there were people who were (and still always are) there for me – especially my Mom.
But I was alone.
No one knows what I was going through within. No one understands. I allowed myself to fall into seclusion. I want to be alone, but I was afraid.
Feelings of emptiness left me in deep torment.
I penned some of my thoughts and feelings during dismal days – days when I felt lost in complete darkness, days when depression had me in a chokehold.
And I want to share them with you.
It is emptiness. It is nothingness. No one just has it. You suffer from it.
Your whole body crumbles and fall apart, lost anything that had been holding it together. That raw fragility. The smallest disruption in life, in head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards.
And it can.
You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. They are filled with fear and anxiety with thoughts on the possibility of having everything crashing down again. You await the next breakdown. Happiness becomes a foreign feeling you will not let yourself experience. You become numb. You speak without words, you scream without a voice.
It could be much easier when you can see an end to it all, but it’s almost always near impossible to. It strips you of any hope you used to have. And without hope, there is no reason to fight.
You want to give up.
Thoughts Of Darkness
It came a day I was at depth of suicidality.
There had been times I wanted so much to give up on myself, but I hung on.
However, from time to time, I sank into a mental stupor inadvertently and it was beyond my control – only to find out after – that I have hurt myself in the state of stupefaction.
I was ashamed.
Getting Out Of Depression
It wasn’t easy getting out of depression.
I managed to pull myself out of this depth with the aid of therapy (years and years and years of it), medications, and a strong supporting family. Not forgetting the man who dropped everything – and I literally meant everything – to take care of me. And my bestie who has been with me all these while, never ever once gives up on me. They are the pillars in my life.
I wouldn’t say I have now fully come out of it – because you never will – but apart from small episodes now and then, things have been going on well thus far. There can be factors in life – however big or small – and it can be anything, anywhere, anytime, to trigger a relapse of depression. Right now I am somewhat going through a tad gray period – it comes and goes with no apparent reason – but I know this time, even with a known bumpy journey ahead, I am confident in defeating it. I have beaten it once, and I can do it again.
I hope for those of you out there who have been through are getting on well, and for those who are still dealing with depression, that you will get through this – no matter how tough it gets.
Believe that things can – and will – get better.
I am your living example.
Helping Someone With Depression
To those of you who have family, friends or someone you know who are suffering from depression, please know that a simple gesture to reach out and help means everything to them. Your support and encouragement plays an important role in his or her recovery.
There may be times you experience difficult emotions, including helplessness, frustration, anger, fear, guilt, and even sadness. These feelings are inevitable. It is not easy to deal with someone who has depression. But please, please always remember to be patient with them, no matter how absurd they get. When you feel tired, please never ever give up on them. Understand that the frustrations they are planting on you is never intentional.
The patience and emotional strength that you give provides great support for that someone in need – more than you ever know. Your effort is very much appreciated of – even if they never really show it.
And I am saying this from my true personal experience.
Stay strong for your loved ones, because we need you.
Thank you loves, for taking the time to read.
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